Message from Mum

The day Mum died, I felt nothing. By that I mean I didn't feel the presence of God or my mum, and that hurt. I expected to feel her with me, and at the very least if not her, then God...it was my greatest hour of need. This emptiness was felt all the way through until the following morning when I decided to listen to the final recording I ever had of my mum. It was recorded shortly before she died. Tears were rolling down, but I still felt very alone. At the end of the recording, music started. At first I was completely confused as I knew that there had been no music attached to the recording. I vaguely recognized the tune, but when the words begun so did the realisation that someone was communicating with me...God perhaps. Then as the song continued I realised it was Mum! I won't spoil it by telling you what the words were, I'll let you listen to it yourself...you're possibly going to need tissues...

Mum's Message

I was worried that it was just a glitch and my computer automatically plays music after listening to an audio file - yes I was second guessing the "coincidence", but then when I put the actual CD on in the car on the way to the airport, the song wasn't the first one on there...it was the second. I also have more than this one CD on my computer...I have 111 tracks on here, and this song is #42. When I got back from Spain I found the courage to listen to the recording again to see if the same thing happened - I use the word courage because if it did play again, then it wasn't Mum after all, and I was one of these people who clutch at straws believing something that isn't real. As the clip came to a finish, there was nothing but silence. That was when I smiled and knew!

10 days

10 days on and home again...not sure where the time has gone. I believe I've been on autopilot this whole time?! I saw a quote which I'll adapt slightly: Missing you comes in waves, today I'm drowning. I'm not sure who the author is but maybe you can find out if you are so inclined; I can't say I'm concerned with copyright at this moment in time!!

The last 10 days have been like a bad dream that I can't wake myself up from. Don't get me wrong, I haven't been in tears and depressed the whole time; we have laughed, cried, talked, and cried some more. I've seen lots of photos of Mum around their house and it's almost like I don't recognise her in some! She had such a vibrant smile that I never noticed until it was too late - I'm just thankful that she knows now - I'm sure she can hear me when I talk to her. Each time I look at her, my chest catches and the tears flow. She was so full of life that she has left a huge, huge hole!

Today I was telling Dad that I have an overwhelming sense of going all out for Christmas...it must be Mum coming through because the last thing I feel like is celebrating, although I can't lose sight of the reason for Christmas, despite my grief. Besides that, it's important for the kids. So, today we will try and put up our tree once we get back from Church. I will be thanking God for Mum's life, and the mark that she has left on this world.

So the funeral...NOTHING prepares you for seeing your mum's coffin. I didn't give it any thought really so it royally bit me in the butt when I walked in. I honestly didn't think I could make it through, but Dad and I had a box of tissues between us and we made it. I managed to get up and get through the poem that Mum had picked...I think I shared it before, but it's worth sharing again - it's beautiful:

"IF ROSES GROW IN HEAVEN"

If Roses grow in Heaven
Lord, please pick a bunch for me.
Place them in my Mother's arms
and tell her they're from me.

Tell her that I love her and miss her,
and when she turns to smile,
place a kiss upon her cheek
and hold her for awhile.

Because remembering her is easy,
I do it every day,
but there's an ache within my heart
that will never go away.

Author: Kirsten Preus


I made it all the way until the last sentence where I hit a slight hurdle, but I got there in the end! 

Finally I just have one thing that I would like to share...the death of a parent (especially at such a young age) is a very lonely and hard journey. I appreciate that everyone is different, but for me I needed support, and lots of it. I felt slightly abandoned. I had such wonderful support in the lead up but felt that almost everyone dropped away when I needed them the most. Like I said, everyone is different, and I have no doubt that some people will feel the opposite, however, I was thinking that you can always choose not to reply to people until you are ready, but you cannot reply if there is nothing to reply to. I had very little to reply to, and I needed to talk. My Dad I'm sure was happy for the quiet, but I think there is a fundamental difference between males and females...we are more emotional on the whole. Anyway, just needed to mention it because knowing that may help someone else in the future (or piss them off if they'd rather have the peace! ha ha). By the way, I want to say that I am not upset at anyone who didn't contact - my husband is worried that I may have upset people...that's certainly not my intention...I have done the same (left people in peace after sending condolences). I was just commenting on how I feel, not speaking for the general population!!! :)

Thank you to all of you who have made donations so far, it's very much appreciated and I'm sure Mum is smiling from Heaven. 

God Bless x

Make a Wish

It's been a while. I've heard that the worst part it over, and I'm sure I will look back and realise that one day. For the moment it's all very raw, and feels like a dream that I can't wake up from. I am currently in London making my way back to Canada...saying goodbye to Dad was hard. It's been so nice to spend some time with him, cry with him, and help in some minuscule way with Mum's stuff. Some parts weren't too painful, but others I just wasn't prepared for. I cannot yet look at a picture of Mum without my chest tightening, and my heart aching. I will sit down quietly once I get home and talk about the last 10 days, but for now I just have one message - please take a moment to visit Mum's Make a Wish page...Mum's Donation Page.

Mum decided that in lieu of flowers etc, that she would like people to donate to the Make a Wish Foundation so that children with terminal illnesses could have the chance to have something checked off their bucket list! This came as a result of Mum realising that she was blessed enough not to have many things on hers, and wanted to give that opportunity to others. Even if it is only $1, please donate to this very worthwhile cause. Obviously people have charities that are close to their heart for various reasons, so we do not expect anything, however if you feel you would like to help, please click on the above link (I am sounding dangerously like a salesman!).

Until tomorrow...

Rest in Peace Mum...

Mum passed away this morning UK time, last night my time. I'm leaving for the airport now so I won't be posting for a while. Thank you for you thoughts and prayers...Mum is now at peace and without pain.

Flowers for Mum

Mum refused to allow us to promise her anything once she was gone - that way ensuring we would never feel guilty about breaking that promise at any given time. The exception was at Christmas and on her birthday - she wanted me to promise that I would use the money that I would normally spend on her, on something that I would enjoy. I told her I wouldn't promise her that as I knew I wouldn't keep it. What I would do was buy some flowers or something similar, that would remind me of her. Growing up we always had Poinsettias in the house...now I seem to have an uncanny talent of killing them, so I highly doubt this will survive long enough to make it to Christmas, but nevertheless I bought it today in memory of Mum. It is a sparkly pot containing a giant red bauble, some beautiful greenery, and a red poinsettia. It is sitting in the middle of our dining room table for all who enter our house to see...maybe Mum can help me keep it alive once she reaches Heaven.

On a totally separate note I have finally started my first section for my assignment, AND I have managed to organize the canine unit to come in to my class next week to talk to my students. I was so chuffed when I got the call today, and I look forward to welcoming the beautiful police dog and his handler! It feels so good to still be able to achieve small things at work for the kids, even in the midst of this!

Thank you again for all the well wishes and prayers. Mum is continuing to go downhill and meet new challenges. Every time we think she has hit rock bottom, the ground moves and she hits the floor below that we never knew existed! Even if I wanted to, I could not put on here what she is going through - it is as undignified and painful as you could ever imagine, and some. NO-ONE deserves this, certainly not her. I am still holding tight to the prospect that Jesus is with her throughout this time, and despite the cries of pain in this world, she is pain free in her new world that we don't have access to. Footprints - He hasn't abandoned her, He is carrying her.

Flat and Filtering

I have used this picture because I love the Autumn colours...yes we are long past Autumn and well into Winter now with sub zero and snowy conditions, but hey ho! I was thinking that the light filters through the leaves, but blocks the main glare of the sun so you can see it's beauty...I can make that connection to my own life. I have filtered the pain of Mum dying, so that I can tolerate the immense heartache and keep functioning. I am assuming that over time the filter will also allow me to see the beauty of what we had once the rawness of it all passes.

Dad and I talk regularly and we are still devastated that Mum is still here. A family member suggested that God is preparing Mum for Heaven...I like that. There is still physical pain for Mum sadly which makes everything that much harder. There were some more new symptoms today which were upsetting, but again hopefully a step in the right direction. I have nothing if I don't have the hope that I hang my hat on!

I'm flat! I'm also discombobulated - a word my Mum always used to love using and it rubbed off on me at an early age. I put my coffee in the fridge, forgot a friend's name mid-introduction, went to put water in the kettle and instead emptied it, and many other idiotic things. Par for the course I guess. As for my assignment? Still a no-go! That sodding thing is hanging over my head like a blinking thundercloud! Even without Mum I procrastinate...another word she introduced me to in my teenage years - if you know me, you know will know why!

Right off for some downtime. This journey is exhausting and everything is a huge effort. I'm sure I've said that before, but it deserves repeating. Even without the underlying anxiety and depression it would be hard, so those just exacerbate the problem. Thanks again for the kind messages, I will try and update tomorrow.

What to do...

Mum and Mini-Me!

I spent well over an hour last night copying and pasting all my messages from Mum into a word document which I will eventually edit and make into a journal for me, and perhaps my little girl one day to read. I couldn't bring myself to read any of the messages whilst I was copying them because simply put, it's too painful right now. Dad and I know that Mum as we know her has gone, but we cannot move on because her body is still here. The fluid intake is now right down so again we are one step closer.

This morning we wondered what to do about Mum's Facebook...do I post on there for people not to post anymore, or do we leave it. Dad had started to write one but changed his mind. We have decided to leave it as is because he doesn't want to stir a wave of phone calls asking how Mum is...that's just too much to handle right now. The bottom line is that Mum has now gone, we are just waiting for her body to also depart. There are no more conversations to be had, no more smiles, no more laughs, and no more interactions. It's a VERY lonely, painful, and surreal place to be. I can't quite let my mind wander to what that really means...I will let it go wherever it wants once she dies.

Mum wanted to die in November (as I've mentioned before), and we have just 6 days left before, in my mind, it's officially Christmas season. I am forcing myself to start preparing things because it's not fair on the kids not to put my all in to it, but it's an extremely hard job trying to prepare for a celebration which revolves heavily around family whilst you are grieving the impending loss of your Mum. I fear that I will forever associate the Christmas season with losing my Mum...a time of year that was always so happy in our house now has a dark cloud over it. I will work hard at finding ways to remember Mum during this time rather than mourning the loss, but until time starts to heal, it will be a painful reminder this year of what I've lost. I still can't believe that less than two weeks ago, I was sitting cuddling Mum and talking about how much we love each other...how did this go so wrong, so fast?