Saturday, 22 November 2014

Still here...

It's become apparent that people are starting to wonder if Mum is still with us because of the silence. Yes she is, but we aren't happy about it. Sadly Mum is now bed bound. As before I would like to respect what little dignity she still has left...it's one thing if she chose to write about things, but it's quite another to have your daughter write about them, so I shall abstain. For those of you who have either been in caring/nursing or watched a loved one go down this road you will know the repercussions from being in a bed 24/7.

Mentally Mum is no longer really there. She is unaware of what day it is, and has no concept of time anymore. Care is going in, but there is very little they can actually do. Mum hasn't eaten for over a week, but is still managing fluids which is perhaps how she has managed to hang on? It is certainly not through trying as Mum no longer wishes to be alive, and nor do Dad or I wish for her to continue. I don't speak to Mum any more, but I cannot move on as I'm conscious that she is still alive. I take solace in talking to Dad and leading as much of a normal life as I can, which entails sweeping it under the carpet whenever I get a chance...something us Brits do best!

Mum is still deteriorating as Dad has noticed signs of laboured breathing, so hopefully it won't be too much longer. I am glad that she isn't lucid for more than a minute or so a day, as I have a vague and albeit naive hope that Mum isn't aware of what is happening to her. Losing her mind and dignity were her two worst nightmares, and they have both now happened.

This is perhaps the hardest part...the waiting.