Monday, 24 March 2014

OVERWHELMING...

I have started this post too many times to mention!  My moods have been up and down, and I am swinging between feeling like this isn't happening, to the realisation that it is and being thoroughly crushed, and then back again.  My word for the week would have to be overwhelming!  That's the only way I can begin to describe how I've felt.  It's all too much and I'm emotionally and physically exhausted...my bed is my daily companion at the moment and everything is an effort.  For those thinking that I need help - one step ahead of you!  Having suffered from anxiety and depression for 15 years I know the symptoms.  I am back on my happy pills...they are a lovely bright and cheery yellow (they really could do with putting a smiley face on them), in an equally cheery yellow bottle!  I am going to see a therapist who will see me regularly all the way through and out of the other side.  I bit my tongue from requesting tall, dark, and handsome!!

For those of you who think I'm managing well...let me take you back.  This time last week we knew Mum was going in for a PET scan on the Tuesday.  Our Monday was completely normal - usual Skype for an hour give or take, giggles, grumbles, and general chat.  Mum and I came up with a  plan - because I'm so impatient and I couldn't wait the 2 hours until she got home, I wanted to know the moment she got a chance.  Due to the knowledge that things would be hectic, Mum said she would text "OK" or "Not Okay" to me as soon as she knew, and then she would fill in the blanks later on.  We figured 7:30am onwards for the results.  I woke up that morning with a peace that transcends all peace.  I turned to Kirk (my husband) and told him everything was going to be okay; she's fine.  The kids went off to school at 8:00 and the minutes started to feel like hours.  I was sitting at the kitchen counter cutting out flash cards for my students when my phone finally beeped.  I went to look for the words "OK" but didn't find them.  I read and re-read the text over and over, despite there only being 2 words...I needed to make sure I'd read them correctly..."Not okay".  You know in the movies when people start crying loudly "no, no, no, no"?  Well, that was me.  The panic set in and just after I managed to type a text to my friend to say "she's not okay", I had a full blown panic attack.  My friend called and just listened to me wail down the phone, calming me in whatever small way she could.  She assured me that Kirk was 5 minutes away because she just drove past him.  She kept talking until I got the use of my hands back (my muscles all contract rendering me pathetically useless), and then I needed to go and breathe.  The next hour (maybe it wasn't that long) was a blur of tears, disbelief, and desperation to speak to Mum.  I text asking her to call or get Dad to call as soon as they could find the strength.  Then the next blow came...I'm pretty sure she won't mind me sharing this...
"We are on the way home and I will call you and explain, but so you can get the worst shock over, it is 3-6 months.  I love you and wish I didn't have to give you this news xxx"
Well I met the floor rather abruptly.  Bless him, Kirk was there to pick me up and sit me down while I cried so hard...Life changed that instant and I knew it was only the beginning.