Acknowledging the Elephant

It's been a while - but seeing as I have successfully shut the door on my feelings, I didn't see the point in boring everyone with my mundane life!  That life is just about to get busy again as we are all heading back to England this weekend.  It's hard to believe that I only just went and I'm returning again, but this will be my life for the foreseeable future so I'll embrace it. 

Okay, so I have a mother who really shouldn't be around anyone who is ill, due to a crappy immune system now.  SOOOO my daughter (who by the way has only ever missed ONE day of school due to illness in her life) woke up at half 4 this morning feeling ill!  She is sporting a lovely fever and I'm thanking God that we are spending the first week in England to give her a chance to get over whatever she has.  Wish us luck flying with a sick child!!! 

As far as I go, like I said my feelings have been safely tucked away for a while.  I do however suffer from GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder) and panic attacks so I knew that I was very high risk for going backwards throughout this journey.  I went on the attack and asked to be referred to my old psychiatrist - the one who originally diagnosed me at 21!  Well I saw him yesterday for the first time in 13 years and he recognised me straight away - I'm not entirely sure how to take that when he must have seen thousands of patients in between!!!  Anyhow, he and a family physician on his staff spent 2 hours with me and have come up with a game plan.  It is so nice dealing with someone who in a sense knows me, and I don't have to start from the beginning.  He was impressed with how far I have come...my anxiety used to be so bad that I couldn't leave the house on occasion.  With a bump (well, a double but who's counting) in my medication, and some sleeping tablets, I was on my merry way with a handful of further appointment under my belt.  I will continue to see the family physician there who is referring me to an IV clinic for my low Ferritin levels (and I mean low), and I will also see a psychologist there.  He basically said they will act as a support network for me, but I need to start dealing with the future.  Not words I wanted to hear, but I knew deep down it was true.  He explained that I would never be truly ready, but I would surprise myself at all the things that I would still be able to accomplish once Mum was no longer with me...I was stronger than I thought.  Hah!  We'll see about that one.  I also had the comfort of hearing that one thing I need to hold on tight to was the fact that Mum is still very much Mum!  She knows who I am, and is mentally 100% (well, as much as she's ever been - sorry Mum!!!!).  He explained that it is much more painful when you have to look at your loved one and have them not truly be that person any more.  I had never thought of that, so if that was all I had taken away from the meeting, it was worth it. 

Anyway, I will hopefully post a little more frequently now I need to address the elephant!