That happy feeling...

You know that happy feeling that you get (and I'm not talking about the kind that generally accompanies alcohol) when everything seems to be going right, and life is good?  Well that's how I've been feeling since I got back home to Canada.  It's actually a very unsettling feeling given what my family is currently going through.  Why should I be so happy with life when I am about to lose a piece of it?  I'm starting to cry as I write this because it's all so very confusing.  You all know that I was in denial for a long time...that feeling has dispersed, but I've been left feeling that I still have so much to be thankful for, and I have so many rich blessings.  That must sound so selfish, but I am confident that on some level it will give Mum peace to know that I am settled and happy before "the event" as she calls it.  

I am sure that some of this happiness is a direct result of my happy pills however!  I was explaining to Mum this morning that I know when I am falling down into my pit because I often wonder what the point of life is...it's all very mundane, and all we do is go through the motions...what's the point?  That does not translate as I'm thinking about taking my own life, just that I think there is little point to life, despite all the blessings.  You see you don't focus on the positives when you are in depression - you can't see beyond your own little bubble of negativity.  When I'm in my good place life is easy and I understand that the point of life is merely to enjoy it!  So, with that said, I am off to enjoy a day with my husband and kids, and prepare for the end of the school year - I have 21 books to wrap, and notes to write!