Tuesday, 25 November 2014

Flat and Filtering

I have used this picture because I love the Autumn colours...yes we are long past Autumn and well into Winter now with sub zero and snowy conditions, but hey ho! I was thinking that the light filters through the leaves, but blocks the main glare of the sun so you can see it's beauty...I can make that connection to my own life. I have filtered the pain of Mum dying, so that I can tolerate the immense heartache and keep functioning. I am assuming that over time the filter will also allow me to see the beauty of what we had once the rawness of it all passes.

Dad and I talk regularly and we are still devastated that Mum is still here. A family member suggested that God is preparing Mum for Heaven...I like that. There is still physical pain for Mum sadly which makes everything that much harder. There were some more new symptoms today which were upsetting, but again hopefully a step in the right direction. I have nothing if I don't have the hope that I hang my hat on!

I'm flat! I'm also discombobulated - a word my Mum always used to love using and it rubbed off on me at an early age. I put my coffee in the fridge, forgot a friend's name mid-introduction, went to put water in the kettle and instead emptied it, and many other idiotic things. Par for the course I guess. As for my assignment? Still a no-go! That sodding thing is hanging over my head like a blinking thundercloud! Even without Mum I procrastinate...another word she introduced me to in my teenage years - if you know me, you know will know why!

Right off for some downtime. This journey is exhausting and everything is a huge effort. I'm sure I've said that before, but it deserves repeating. Even without the underlying anxiety and depression it would be hard, so those just exacerbate the problem. Thanks again for the kind messages, I will try and update tomorrow.