I HAVE A THEORY...

You know that nesting feeling you get when you have an imminent birth?  Well I have a theory that we may well also "nest" upon an impending loss.  Since I have started finally acknowledging that my beautiful, courageous, and funny Mum is actually dying, I have started overhauling each room of the house!  It started with our son's room (and for those of you with kids, you know that cleaning a child's room is no easy task...I swear some days that climbing Mount Everest would be a walk in the park compared to this!), and moved on to our daughter's room.  Boys and their toys, and girls and their clothes!!!  Each room takes more than a few hours, but the distraction has been welcome, and the organisation helps on some strange level.  I have packed my daughter's funeral outfit (picked out lovingly by Mum) so that my husband doesn't have to think about little things like that in the chaos that will undoubtedly ensue once I get "the call".  I will be leaving first to be there with Mum and Dad, and my husband will fly out with the kids for the funeral. 

This last week has been hard, and Mum is deteriorating rapidly, so the notion of her dying has very harshly become a reality and her days left with us are clearly numbered.  I won't go in to details, but she sleeps most of the days, is in pain past what medication seems to help, and is now housebound, and confined to one room due to mobility issues.  It appears that I had what was left of the best of her days, and now we just make the most of the short time she has left.  I am due to visit on November 5th, but if Mum feels that she can't hang on I will be moving my trip forward. 

I was thinking today about why I don't post on a regular basis, and I think it's because I know Mum reads this, and I don't want to broach a subject that she perhaps hasn't thought about, thus resulting in me upsetting her.  You see, when I now think about the situation, I think of all the things I'm being cheated out of, and all the things I am going to miss.  Mum on the other hand chooses to push these to the back to avoid breeding bitterness, and focus on all the blessings (much as I have done up until now).  Today we had a good cry together, and I'm so thankful that we are close.  I hope she knows just how big of a hole she is going to leave when she departs from this world.  She is my go-to person  for everything, and I need her.  It's so hard to see her so sad and in so much pain.  I did make her laugh today...hard...I was explaining at our regular 1am (Spanish time) chat session that she would have to excuse me as I was eating supper, and explained that I had made beef in a creamy tomato sauce in the crock pot, so the meat was super tender.  Well, she asked me to show her!  What did I do?  Yup, tipped the bowl towards the computer screen and the sauce poured all over my keyboard!!! Mum had to put her hand over her mouth to stop herself from laughing (remember, 1-2am her time).  Computer still working for now, thank God, but not so sure it will have the same life expectancy as before! 

Right, chatted enough and thank you for all the support, comments, and texts.  I really appreciate them all.  This is a very lonely journey...