When children are misbehaving, some parents choose to give them a "time out" to stop them in their tracks, take them away from the situation, calm down, and hopefully think about what was happening just prior to said time out. Well I have decided that despite my age, I am in need of my own time out! I want to stop, take time outside of my home (with a friend), and NOT think about everything going on...tonight I am off to the movies with one of my best friends here. I was thankful enough to have her put in my life a few years ago (literally months after moving to Canada), and as she lives through the pain of having lost her mum, she is able to offer me the crutch that I need so much right now.
Mum is now on Morphine (in addition to a very long list of medications) which is injected through her catheter which she had installed this morning in her chest. Her hospital bed arrived this morning, and the palliative care team start next week who apparently sound fantastic. Mum had an emotional day, but is somewhat optimistic that these new "items" in her life will provide some comfort in what has now become a very uncomfortable world. I have to say that in case anyone is wondering, Spanish health care is EXCELLENT! When mum turned up at the Drs this morning, he not only had a list of medications he wanted to start her on, but had bought those medications from the pharmacy, and had them ready for her in a bag so she could take them home with her...service! Her oncologist has also been phenomenal, but that's another story. I am so thankful that Mum has such exceptional people in her life to help her through this.
My help comes in different forms, but my friend is definitely a huge part of my support network here...at times we commiserate over the things that we are going to miss out on: having our Mums at our children's graduations, weddings, births of our children's children, and many, many, more. No, it doesn't help to dwell in the "what ifs" but I believe it is healthy to at least acknowledge that they are a painful part of our future. I know Mum will be watching from Heaven, and she will be there in spirit, but it's not the same as being able to touch her, hug her, and see her smiling face. Even last week I saw something in a shop and picked it up to buy for Mum for part of her Christmas present...it was like a knife through my heart when I suddenly realised that I didn't even know if she will still be here by then! I put it down, and walked out of the shop with a tear rolling down my cheek. I told Mum and she said to save my money, but you know what? Christmas will come early this year, and I will be going back this weekend to buy that item so I can give it to her early. I don't have many opportunities left, so I'm damn well not going to waste them now! I am sure I will go through a very bitter stage at some point after her passing, but I will move through it and eventually learn to smile that I will have my very own angel!